It’s getting harder and harder to keep a smile on my face. My chest is getting tighter and it’s harder to breath each day. I didn’t think that I would feel so much pain and emptiness in my life. The moment I left Nashville three years ago was when I started to feel this way. Never would I have thought I’d let a man make me feel the way I do today. The man I loved for eight years broke my heart. Since then I have not been the same. I feel like a hypocrite because I was always telling everyone to stay strong and everything will be okay when I was not okay myself. No one would have known that I was empty and broken inside because I always wanted to be the strong and positive role model for everyone. For the past three years I have held it together and I felt okay but it is starting to hit me more the past few months. The more people I meet, the more I feel like I want to be alone. There are very few who I can truly be myself around. You truly know who I am if you have seen every side of me. It is harder and harder for me to let my walls down for new relationships and friendships. I feel like I am in a great place in life but there is still something missing. I have a great family, friends, a job, a car, a home but why do I feel this way? Do I feel like that because I am not fully healed from the past? Is it because I am used to being able to book a flight and leave whenever I want but now I feel guilty for even taking an extra day off of work? Is it because the man who hurt me made me feel like I was never good enough as a person and that I would never succeed in life? I know I will succeed but when others come into your life and prove that they are all almost the same you start to wonder why am I not good enough? It is harder for me to trust people because the man who I loved for eight years still contacts me and lies to me. I don’t believe his lies but it makes me wonder how people can sleep with all their lies and how they treat people. Who can I really trust? It is getting harder for me because I find myself getting attached to people who always disappear or don’t want me. It is getting harder for me because I am having a hard time finding time for myself. I always tell myself to surround myself with positivity but it seems like I have been bringing in negative energy lately. I know that I have a lot of amazing people in my life who will listen and be there for me but blogging is the best way for me to finally let things out because I do not feel comfortable talking to anyone. It already feels great typing this out. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I wanted to let the strong independent people who are trying to hold it together know that everything will be okay. You don’t have to please everyone. It is okay to let the world see your mistakes and your tears. We need to learn to accept and let go. I will find myself. I will make time for myself. I will be happy. I will be okay. Everything will fall into place and the pain will go away. I will accept and let go starting today.
Remember those days when we couldn’t wait to be an adult? Well here we all are living the adult life and I’m wondering where the time has gone! Sometimes I wish things would slow down a bit. Everyone who knows me, knows that I always plan things at least 2 months ahead of time. The days and months are going by so quick. I’ve been thinking about life a lot. I’m someone who likes to have a plan and stick with it but that’s not how things work in life. It’s crazy how fast things can change. I would have never thought I’d be where I am today. I am happy with my job, myself, and life. I wouldn’t be the strong woman I am today without the help of many people. Thank you to the guys who lied and cheated on me. Thank you to the guys who always put me down and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Thank you to the people who used me. Thank you to the people who always put my goals and dreams down. Thank you to these people because you all are the reasons why I am a strong woman. You are the reason why I know how to choose who to keep in my life and who to trust wisely. I pushed myself everyday not only for my family and friends who have always supported me from the beginning. For the people who made me feel like I wasn’t worth, I will not let you win. Never let the negative people win. Always strive to do better and move forward, not backwards. We aren’t perfect and life can get rough trying to be a strong independent person. It’s okay to accept help from those you trust. It’s okay to scream at the top of your lungs. It’s okay to cry and let it all out but at the end of the day you have to pick yourself up and keep going. Life is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting but things will only get better if you use the negatives to get you to the positives. Trust me; everything will be okay. Love yourself and make time for the people who deserve it. Good luck to the man who can actually break down my walls and get me to make time for you. 😂